Monday, July 18, 2011

Suddenly, it's 1956

Ike has decided the country is humming along nicely, the USSR is contained, and he's ready to retire. Naturally, lots of politicians want to take his place in the White House. One of them offers the following campaign speech:

"I represent change!

"If elected, I promise to do or encourage the following:

"We need to fight wars in the Middle East so that Muslim countries can be taught to enjoy our freedoms. Two wars minimum, maybe three. Ten, twelve years of combat and occupation should win the hearts and minds of the locals. Yes, sure, a few thousand Americans will give the full measure of devotion, and we'll have to make room for a few more thousand without legs, arms, or faces in our VA hospitals, but it will be worth it to insert Democracy in Afghanistan, Iraq, and wherever.

"But that's not enough! We need to replace the American population. It's too overwhelmingly white. Too Christian. Hardly a Muslim or animist to be found! I promise to ignore our national borders and encourage people from Latin America, the Middle East, and Africa to come establish colonies in our cities. To show them the joys of capitalism and keep the wheels of industry turning, they can do the jobs Americans do, but at a fraction of the cost to business. I know as taxpayers, you will be happy to subsidize them through welfare programs such as free birth vouchers, free housing vouchers, free medical vouchers, and free food vouchers.

"Of course real progress depends on shipping as many American jobs as possible to other countries. We'll begin with manufacturing jobs, but as our technology improves we should be able to send many service and 'white collar' jobs abroad as well.

"But make no mistake, a country can't run on pure economics. I pledge my unstinting efforts to social justice. Our workplaces must be run by and for our minorities, who will be given preference for jobs, not only in the government but in private industry, or the Czars and Lord High Bureaucrats I appoint will take companies to court till they get the message. Nor will we ignore the fundamentals under my command. My federal court appointees' mission will be to ensure that students have unlimited rights to ignore or taunt the teachers, that no one in the protected class of a certain race fails because of inability. 

"I envision the day when sex education begins in kindergarten and homosexuality is taught. Speaking of which, how do we expect to win the Cold War when all our military personnel are men, straight men at that! I promise to create co-ed combat units, and make a special effort to recruit homosexuals -- my staff tell me they call themselves by the delightful term 'gay' -- and lesbians for our armed forces.

"Naturally, in our new 'rainbow' nation, it would be unthinkable to demand our new colonists speak or learn English. We must move forward, for the future lies ahead, and America has no future without millions of immigrants to give us vibrancy. As some of you may know, a dead white male by the name of Shakespeare wrote, 'O brave new world, that has such people in it!'"

[He stands, waiting for applause. Dead silence. There's a little stirring in the crowd, maybe a growl, what's wrong with these people?]

"Er, perhaps I am too idealistic, too bold. I know these are the white-bread, conformist '50s, and we are a nation of racists and Indian killers, but I say we can change. And with your votes on election day, we will!"

Then I wake up. Suddenly, it's 2011. Thank heavens, it was just a nightmare.


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