U.S. to put $1 billion in Ukraine tip jar

Here, guys, buy yourself an energy drink.

If the Chihuahua's bark doesn't convince the Tyrannosaurus Rex to back off, well, money talks. So the Chihuahua Administration believes.

U.S. officials say the White House is announcing an aid package to Ukraine of $1 billion in lost energy subsidies as it seeks to extract itself from Russia's influence. The announcement came as U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry landed in the Ukrainian capital Tuesday to show American support for Kiev's military and political struggle against Moscow.

It's been a cliché for generations that the thoughts of our governoids, faced with trouble they can't avoid, turn quickly to "throwing money at the problem." Speak loudly and carry a big bankroll. Generally, the dollars used to be thrown where Americans -- especially those whose votes were craved -- could catch them. Then the concept was expanded to Foreign Aid. We were the rich uncle, why not buy the world a Coke?

The economic package also includes training assistance to Ukraine's national bank, Finance Ministry and election observers ahead of a May 25 national vote.

For Ukraine's sake, let's hope the training assistance doesn't come from our own national bank, the Federal Reserve. Once the election observers have observed their vote on May 25, perhaps we could borrow them to oversee our New Black Panther intimidation, fake-IDs, and paperless electronic vote counting.

Let's review this latest comedy routine. The Failed Messiah and his soiled apostle Kerry draw lines in the air to convince Russia's strongman Putin to put aside any designs on Ukraine. ("Lear. I will do such things -- What they are yet I know not; but they shall be the terror of the earth.") As if our bedraggled nation needs to antagonize the Bear with threats we won't and can't carry out.

"Uh, Valerie, do we have a plan B?"

"Sure, send a billion to Ukraine, sealed with a kiss."

"Great, there must be lots of Ukrainians in Brooklyn or somewhere. Votes in the bank."

Of course, the United States is a little short of the ready at the moment, overdrawn by $17 trillion. Never mind. It's just play dough. Congress will raise the spending limit on our national credit card if needed.

To anyone except George Soros, Warren Buffett, or Bill Gates, a billion is still worth a little. No offense to Ukrainians, but if we're being charitable, how about starting at home? After all, millions of Americans are out of work, many having given up even trying to find any; dining on food stamps; unable to afford the premiums under the "Affordable Care Act" to get their insides tuned up; in some cases, living in trailers and tents in Obamavilles. 

Nah, they don't matter -- a bunch of bitter clingers, speed bumps on the road to world government. Why can't they just fundamentally transform into nothing?

But we'll show Putin a thing. His armies and air force can't stand up to a disabled country with an aid package.

And the beat goes on.