Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Test your Britishness

From today, it will become compulsory for would-be citizens to take a 45-minute Britishness exam of 24 questions to show a basic knowledge of national culture.

The Life in the UK test is aimed at those with a good grasp of English, who will be required to gain at least 75 per cent to get citizenship.

— The Telegraph, November 1, 2005

Right, listen up, you lot. You think you've got what it takes to be a modern Brit? Here's your exam. Tick the box for the correct answer to each question. If you don't know, tick them all. It's a fiddle, but there's your first test passed. Right, get on with it then.

1. What time do the pubs open in Birmingham? (a) 9 a.m. (b) never, because they never close.
2. What time do the pubs close in Northampton? (a) 3 a.m. (b) never, because they never close.
3. Who has the best deals on hooded jackets? (a) Marks & Spencer (b) Selfridges (c) Noddy Peckwiths on the High Street, Crumpley
4. When you're served with an anti-social behaviour order, what agency do you call to get a lawyer for your defence? (a) The Discrimination Thought Crimes Board (b) Neighbours for Noise (c) The Social Justice for Criminals Action Group
5. When the magistrate at your ASBO hearing speaks to you, how do you address her? (a) "You wouldn't be half cute if you'd lose the glasses and get a spot of exercise, know what I mean?" (b) "Who asked you to open your gob, you sodding agent of the ruling class?"
6. When picked up for looting, what should your first statement be? (a) "What are you on about, mate? This telly fell off a bleedin' lorry" (b) "Private property's an insult to the underclass and it, like, makes me feel real bad when I see it, so I couldn't help meself" (c) "Looting, my arse! This is a statement of support for the Palestinian people!"
7. What is this country's national sport? (a) Playing the lottery (b) Fiddling tax returns (c) Competing with your mates to see who can drop the most litter on the pavement in 10 minutes (Marquis of Queensbury rules apply)
8. Employment is defined as (a) hanging with my mates (b) something that bloke at the agency keeps banging on about when I go to complain my dole cheque's late (c) not letting anybody mess with my turf
9. What is proper graffiti etiquette? (a) Don't write over anybody else's tag (b) Only write graffiti on walls in good neighbourhoods (c) Only diss white people, we're a multi-cultural country
10. What is the name of the Queen? (a) Er, Kylie? (b) Er, Diana? (c) Er, Camilla?

Applicants who are less accomplished at English can attend a combined language and citizenship class instead. They will be expected to complete the course but will not have to pass the exam to gain citizenship.

"I don't want to set the bar too high to deter people from applying," said Tony McNulty, the Home Office minister. "I believe we've achieved the appropriate balance."

— The Telegraph, November 1, 2005

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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This test is pointless there is no point and it takes too long. At all acounts do NOT do this as it ruins your sexual relationship as my wife does not want to play moo cow anymore. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!

November 18, 2005
Anonymous said...

The advantages of this examination is that we, the other nationality, will have the opportunity to learn Britain history but the disadvantages is, do the natural born-british citizen know their history? I doubt not all of them knows their origin. It will be ashame on their part if the foreigners know by heart the history of Britain while them who were born here doesn't know. Just what I just read in one of the articles, the foreigners who just passed the exam and celebrated in one of the restaurant in London and asked the british born citizen waitress ,when is the day of St. Georges Day? Does she knows it? NO. But the foreigners knows. So how will you feel about it?

January 01, 2006

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