Tying shoelaces: Yes you can!

Fathers should strip off their shirts before holding their newborn babies to aid the "bonding" process, says a booklet funded by the Government.

The pamphlet, which has prompted accusations about interference from the nanny state, also recommends that they should gaze into their baby's eyes for short periods to develop the child's brain. It also suggests that fathers should be rewarded with gift vouchers if they attend antenatal classes.

The booklet, Including New Fathers: A Guide for Maternity Professionals, has been published by Fathers Direct, a publicly funded charity that advises the Government on fatherhood.

— The Telegraph, June 5

Yes You Can! A Guide to Tying Shoelaces
Pamphlet #127-16-345B-12
Prepared by Shoes You Can Use
With the Kind Support of Her Majesty's Government

Many of our new residents in today's multi-cultural Britain have little or no experience with tying shoelaces. After all, sandals have no shoelaces, and nor do yakskin boots! In fact, you may not be entirely familiar with the concept of shoes. So let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Take a look at Figure 1.

Figure 1. Shoe.

Now, this may not be the kind of shoe you and your mates are familiar with. This is somewhat different from the athletic shoes you are used to robbing people for or nicking from Marks & Spencers. These are what are called — don't laugh please — dress shoes. Not what you think. They're called that because you may sometime be expected to wear them when you "dress up" as the expression goes, such as if you should get a job in an office, or burglarise an office and do not want to call attention to yourself.

The thing about it is, these shoes don't wrap themselves tightly around your feet (see pamphlet #129-75-BH-16, "Recognizing Common Body Parts") unless you tie something to stop them coming loose. That something is called shoelaces (Figure 2).

Figure 2. Shoelaces.

Do not be confused if you run across shoelaces that don't look like this at all. They come in all colours, even multiple colours on the same laces (Figure 3).

Figure 3. Cool shoelaces.

The chances are, when you buy a new pair of shoes that need to be laced, most of the bother will have been done for you already. The laces will have already been inserted in the proper holes. All you need to do is tie the ends together in a knot, typically a bow knot.

Still with us, mate? Right, then. Here's how you tie your laces in a bow knot.

Pass one shoelace end under the other and pull both of them smartly. Now, keeping the crossed lace ends tight, take one end and loop it. Take the other end and wrap it around the base of the loop.

Next, take that other end and pass it under — no, hang about. Pass it through — er, wait just a tick.

Let's see, you've got one end looped, the other end wrapped around the bottom of the loop … now … blimey.

Look mate, we're not kidding you up. You really can tie shoelaces. For the rest of the dish on how to get on with it, consult pamphlet #433-34-DS-33RM, "Advanced Course: Exxtreme Shoelace Tying."

Best of British luck to you, mate!