Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Immigrating to Manchester? Have your jokes ready

A certified Obama-free posting™ !
No artificial ingredients

All immigrants arriving in Manchester [England] will be asked to accept official new 'Mancunian values' - including 'having a good sense of humour'. Council chiefs have spent more than a year drawing up their list, which also urges new arrivals to be 'friendly', 'passionate' and to take pride in the city.

They are being drawn up as part of a push to maintain and improve Manchester's record of integrating communities from different races and faiths.

Daily Mail, June 4

Mancunian Values Council
Enforcement Division
38, Diversity Lane
Manchester 0K4 BE9

Dear Mr Zwentil

As outlined in your "Celebrate Manchester" packet, which you received along with the keys to your Council Flat and "Claim Your Welfare Benefits Now" handbook on 7th July 2007, you should be aware that immigration to our vibrant multi-cultural catchment area carries with it certain obligations on the part of new citizen units such as yourself.

Council Order 7643, II. sec. 3, as amended, states in part: "Within six months of arrival, each immigrant shall be responsible for performing not less than 45 humour units, with a minumum of 5 humour units in any given week."

As you further know, like all citizen units in our vibrant multi-cultural catchment area, you are under CCTV surveillance 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, unless you can substantiate that you are a violent-jihad-preaching Muslim imam. As you have submitted no such proof that would qualify you for exemption, you continue to be under CCTV surveillance and random humour-analysing road stops.

Our records indicate that in nearly a year of habitation in our vibrant multi-cultural catchment area, you have been clocked at only 28 humour units total. Further, during the weeks when you were in confinement at H.M. Correctional Facility at Oldham, you registered zero humour units, even though your cell was fitted with a 350-channel cable television that provided access to a full complement of 12 dedicated comedy channel units, and a library of Benny Hill DVD units. In addition, your cell was regularly supplied with copies of Gaol Laffs magazine units.

Please be advised that in analysing your behaviour, our Humour Rehabilitation Section has taken into account various ambiguous statements on your part that might be applied to your credit. For instance, when you were reminded on 31st October last of your humour responsibilities, your response was, "Are you serious?" You should be aware that at least one member of the Section suggested that this was, in fact, not only evidence in your favour but worth an additional 7 humour units. The full Section, however, demurred. You have the right to appeal this decision: see Appendix G in your "Celebrate Manchester" packet, p. 455.

It is therefore incumbent upon me, in the furtherance of my duties to the Manchester vibrant multi-cultural catchment area, to call upon you to report to Room 785 at Equality House, 38 Diversity Lane, Manchester 0K4 BE9, at 10.00 a.m. Monday next to meet with your Rehabilitation Officer. Please bring with you a portfolio of humourous remarks and anecdotes, which you believe will be valued at no less than 10 humour units, and which you are prepared to discharge in the following week.

In the best of humour,
Ponty L. Mython
Compliance Officer


No comments: