Friday, December 11, 2009

New stimulus: unemployment compensation for rejected jihadis?

Five American Muslims arrested in Pakistan tried to join al-Qaeda but were rejected because they had no references from trusted militants, according to police. Police said the men, ranging in age from 19 to 25, wanted to join militants in Pakistan's tribal area before crossing into Afghanistan and had met two banned military organisations. … One of the men, Ramy Zamzam, is a dental student at Washington's Howard University.

The Scotsman, December 11

Welcome, brother! Sit down please, Ramy.

Thank you, my brother.

I have been looking over your résum
é. Your grades in dental school are very promising. However, it appears you wish to change careers. Is dental work no longer a promising field?

It is not satisfying, my brother. Even the occasional opportunity to yank an infidel's tooth from his head is not enough to meet my aspirations.

And your aspiration is …

Death to those who do not follow the Prophet (pbuh)!

That is very commendable, Ramy. However, I must tell you that our organization has been overwhelmed lately with those who have been impelled to jihad. I am afraid that many do not have the skill set we need. As the Prophet's predecessor said, many are called but few are chosen.

But brother, I am prepared to martyr myself for the cause.

Ramy, please do not take this amiss. But we have martyrdom volunteers surplus to requirements. We must keep self-immolation to a reasonable schedule. At a ratio of 72:1, the virgins in Paradise will go on strike if we lumber them with too many warriors in too limited a time.

(Heatedly) My brother, how can you make such a jest?

Salam, Ramy, calm down. I have been at this insurgency business for years. It can be grim at times. The Prophet does not look askance at a little humor.

Now, I am not saying we do not have a stand-by list for martyrdom. You could, if selected, work your way to the head of the queue one fine day. But you must be qualified and thoroughly vetted. We are not an equal opportunity employer. We have no affirmative action suicide bombers. It is my duty to determine your ideological fitness.

Now, your
résumé lists as references Felix Pullquote, DDS, and Marionette Carpool, DDS. These are not Arabic names, my brother. Are they converts?

Er, no, I am afraid not, sir. Dar al-Islam has not yet penetrated the Dental School.

Ramy, I have a suggestion. Why don't you join the U.S. Army? They are panting for what they call "diversity," and would welcome you. Get some experience with weapons and explosives. Thank you for stopping by. Give me a call in five years.


1 comment:

Leos Tomicek said...

"Virgins will go on strike"...I love this piece...