Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Words to live by


Feeling relaxed, dear? Good. I want you to be very relaxed. If you feel like going to sleep, even better.

I am your therapist, employed by the government, our institutions of higher learning, the New York Times, and George Casey, the U.S. Army chief of staff, and I'm here to help you.


Now, I've explained the purpose of this therapy, but I'll review it quickly so that you will be motivated to cooperate fully. You have been heard on several occasions by reliable witnesses to talk openly of — ahem, I don't like to speak these words, but since it is part of your cure, I must — a fantasy called "Islamic jihad."

You have doubted the wisdom of inviting Muslims to settle in the United States and to be recruited by our disarmed forces while we are working overseas to win the hearts and minds of the tiny fraction of Muslim extremists. As I'm sure you know in your lucid moments, these are thought crimes that could get you in hot water.

First we will practice a little aversion therapy. I will ask you to whisper (not out loud, please, someone in another ward might hear), "militant Islam" and "immigration restriction." You will then receive, through the apparatus, a shock to your nervous system. No big deal. I have set the dial to Intensity 2.5. That is relatively mild, I promise you. Only hard cases experience anything above Intensity 4.


We are not vindictive. As I say, we are here to help you. We will steer you gently back into the loving embrace of the Master State. Now, while you are deeply relaxed … more relaxed than you have been in your life … allow yourself to float on a beautiful pink cloud with the word "Multi-culturalism" written on it. It is the most lovely thing you have ever seen.

Now look up. Up, that's right. See what is written across the sky. What do you see there? Yes, that's right: "There is no God but Diversity, and Barack is its Prophet."

When I snap my fingers and tell you to wake up, you will remember those words. Or else.


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