Thursday, April 06, 2006

On the curious incident of the police officer that did nothing in the night-time

Burglars will be allowed to escape without punishment under new instructions sent to all police forces. Police have been told they can let them off the threat of a court appearance and instead allow them to go with a caution.

The same leniency will be shown to criminals responsible for more than 60 other different offences, ranging from arson through vandalism to sex with underage girls.
London Daily Mail, April 3, 2006

On Her Majesty's Service
Royal Crime Prevention Central Unit
Office of the Commissioner
3, Flinders Lane
London W1, United Kingdom


TO: All Detective Chief Inspectors, Detective Inspectors, Detective Constables, Police Constables under My command
FROM: Commissioner Sir Hampton Twill-Pongemarston
DATE: 2 April 2006
SUBJECT: Rationalisation of policing resources

I am sure that I need not remind you of the personpower and budgetary limitations under which we currently work. Following a meeting at Whitehall yesterday with the Semi-Permanent Undersecretary for the Exchequer (Acting), a decision has been taken to readjust policing resources in aid of their more targeted and rational use. In brief, we are to concentrate on those aspects of duty that are of highest priority in maintaining the multi-cultural ethos which is so central to British life today.

Therefore, henceforth, I adjure and command you to readjust your application of the power and authority you exercise. You will note in Appendix C, Section 2 of this memo a list of some 60 offences which are to be responded to as minor nuisances rather than as crimes. These downgraded offences include burglary, arson (except the act of lighting a cigarette in a public place or any private place where such an act might reasonably offend any person in the same or neighbouring jurisdiction), vandalism of property whose value is estimated at less than 350,000 pounds, hijacking of automobiles … well, I shan't take up any more of your valuable time listing them all; please read the appendix before going on duty.

With the resources thus freed from attempting to prevent or solve petty, "no-fault" crimes, I hereby instruct you to turn your attention to the prevention of offences against protected classes rather than mere individuals.

All police constables are to be assigned to guard protesters from our beloved Muslim community, particularly those that may receive prejudiced public reaction based on their exercise of the right to the free and open expression of their completely legal agitation in favour of instituting Sharia law in these islands, promising "another 9/11", proclaiming "Holocaust: You ain't seen nothing yet", and the like. Such citizens are under constant threat of Islamophobic responses from retrograde persons who have not been re-educated in the ways of modern, multi-cultural Britain.

Detective inspectors not otherwise occupied with major crimes such as smoking or public display of the Union Jack within a three-mile radius of any mosque are to be reassigned to undercover duty in pubs and betting parlours. They are to arrest forthwith any customers overheard criticising squatter's rights, homosexual marriage, or immigration. DCIs, I expect a full and complete report from you, on my desk at 8.00 a.m. each morning, detailing numbers of arrests. And I want evidence that will make the Crown Prosecutor's Officers smile and that will stand up in court!

I know that I am asking a lot of you; but serious disrespect has reached an unacceptable level in this country, and these new resources brought to bear on it are our best hope for a just and egalitarian society. To all women (and you too, men) who will be holding the line against extremist forces that would undermine our gorgeous mosaic, I can only say, "Kooma-zawa-zawa!" — a phrase I learned many years ago in service in East Africa during the unfortunate misunderstanding with the Mau-Mau community. It means, "Do your duty". And be careful: it's dangerous out there.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're educating the US through the UK media...interesting.