Hey, who you f------ sayin' 'Good day' to, mate?

Ocularly challenged, but a champion in the
Flying Animal Special Olympics.

British bobbies have been strongly cautioned about their speech.

Thousands of police officers have been issued with a 140-page 'diversity handbook' containing tips such as 'Don't lean on a disabled person's wheelchair'.

The guide points out that it is unhelpful for officers to cover their mouths when talking to somebody who is lip-reading, and suggests the phrase 'blind as a bat' may cause offence.

Quite right. Bats are notoriously sensitive about their eyesight. And don't think you can get away with whispering the phrase in the ear of another officer. Bats have terrific hearing.

The book also points out that cheery traditional greetings such as 'hen', 'pet', 'love' and 'my dear' should never be addressed to a woman, the guide [says].

And officers are reminded that a woman who is provocatively dressed and 'paying attention to passing vehicles' may not necessarily be a prostitute.

Of course not. She might be a 12-year-old schoolgirl waiting for her mother to pick her up in the car.

Reflecting Light has obtained an advance copy of a supplemental edition of the guide. It can be revealed that the next iteration will include the following.

Do not use the phrase 'good day'. This may cause offence to a member of the public who is feeling distressed, implying as it does that you are capable of making the most of time but she-he is not.

Should you find yourself in the presence of an amputee, do not ask, 'Can I give you a hand?'

Regardless of a citizen's age, particularly if the citizen is a woman, do not hold the door or assist the citizen in crossing the road. This could easily be interpreted as ageism or a slight against the person's physical condition. Even should you be tempted, as in the case of an 85-year-old woman attempting to make her way across the Cromwell Road, to offer special assistance, the correct terminology is, 'Right, move your arse, get on with it'.

Use extreme care in uttering the word 'exceptional'. This might imply that others are less than exceptional. There are no exceptions to Equality.

No matter how provoked you may be in the heat of an incident, do not utter such oaths as, 'Oh, Christ'. This is deeply offensive to our Muslim citizens. If intense expression is uncontrollable, however, you are encouraged to exclaim, 'If Allah wills it so'.

And that's the news from Country Wobegone. Have a good, uh, have a day.