Thoughts of Chairman Cooper

Right, it's been getting a little heavy around here lately. Time to downshift.

Once again, I call on the late, great Tommy Cooper for some of his lines:

I went to the doctor. He said, 'I'd like you to lie on the couch.'
I said, 'What for?'
He said, 'I'd like to sweep the floor.'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said, 'With all the excitement of Christmas, I can't sleep.'
He said, 'Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off.'

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went pedaling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' she said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said, 'but I can't ride my bike.'

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and said:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir.'
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He said: 'My chips are too hot.'

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

And he said, 'My dog doesn't eat meat.'
I said, 'Why not?'
He said, 'We don't give him any.'

I'm on a whisky diet, I've lost three days already.

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

My wife phoned me just before the show and said, 'I've got water in the carburetor.'
I said, 'Where's the car?'
She said, 'In the river.'

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 'I'll have a pint please, and one more for the road.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

I bought a greyhound about a month ago.
A friend of mine said to me,
'What are you going to do with it?'
I said, 'I'm going to race it.'
He said, 'By the look of it, I think you'll beat it.'

For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. 'I'd like a beer,' he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
'How much will that be?' asks the neutron.
'For you,' replies the bartender, 'no charge.'

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Well, dear reader, if this posting doesn't taste funny to you, my apologies. And to all, as Tommy used to say when he walked onstage at the beginning of his act, "You've been a lovely audience."